STEPS

Coping with a death

Getting better

The time it takes to get over a death varies. We are all different. Getting over a death can be a slow process. Time does heal though. It can be hard to agree with this when your grief is really strong. If you can think of your loved one without it hurting badly, you are through the worst of it. For some this could take years. Some people never feel that they get over a death.

After a few months people will often find that little by little they are able to get on with their lives. They will think a bit less about the person they have lost. As time goes by things get easier. You may feel sad when you think of the dead person, but it is not as strong as before. The death doesn't seem to be the main thing in your life anymore. It may still be hard for you, but you are able to get on with your life. Some of your old interests return. You start to look into the future more instead of brooding on the past. Try not to feel guilty if you start to build a new life after a death. It is normal to rebuild your life. You should try not to see this as disloyal.

Helping yourself

Prepare for the death

• If you can, prepare for the death. Take care of things like money issues. Say all the things you want to say, and give your loved one a chance to do the same. You may regret it if you don't take time to do this.

First few days and weeks after the death

• Once the person has died, think about whether you want to see their body. Seeing the body can give you a chance to say goodbye. Some people may find this too hard, but it can help you later on. You may regret it if you don't. But if you don't want to see a body this will always be OK. There is no right or wrong thing to do, but think about it closely.
• Think about the funeral. What would your loved one have wanted? Also think about the cost. Take someone with you to help you sort this out.
• Try to get the first year out of the way before you make big changes in your life, such as moving home or jobs. You don't want to rush into changes you may regret later.
• Look after your own health. This is a time when you can get unwell. Eat well, take plenty fluids, rest, take extra care. Do not turn to alcohol. It's a short term fix. It will only make you feel worse later.
- Try to keep busy. Accept invites. Keep in touch with family and friends.

Coping with the first year

• Plan what you will do on days like birthdays or Christmas. These days will be harder for you, so planning ahead will help.
• Think about giving away your loved ones clothes, or changing their room.
• Talk to people about how you feel. Don't bottle things up. Go to your doctor if you feel you have no one you can talk to. Talking about how you feel may be the single most helpful thing you can do.

Helping friends and family

If it is friends or family who are trying to cope with a death, here are things that you can do to help them.

• Spend time with them, if that is what they want.
• Talk and listen to them. Try not to be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
• It is usual for the person to talk about the same things again and again
• Talking about the dead person can be helpful. Don't try and avoid this.
• Offer help like child care or doing the shopping, if the person wants this.
• Don't expect too much of them, even if they look like they are coping.
• Include them in events.
• Support them in doing new things and meeting new people.
• If you think they aren't coping, talk with them about getting outside help.

Children

Often adults won't talk to their children about death. They might think that they need to protect them, or that they can't make sense of death. But even very young children can make sense in their own way of what death means.

Children who have a death in their family are more prone to have problems later on. Talking to them can help protect them. Ask them how they are feeling. Discuss the death as openly as you can. Prepare them for a death if you can. Involve them in funerals if they want. Children may want to see a body. If they ask it is OK to do so, but try to prepare them for what they might see. Help them to get back to normal things after. Seek help if you think they may need it.

If you feel that you are not getting better

Most people will get over a death with time. But for a small number of people things don't seem to get any better, even after a long time. Your feelings remain very strong. You carry on thinking a lot about the dead person even years after they have gone. You may not even be able to speak of them without getting upset. You might not want to move their things even after this long time. You might even feel some of the pains that the person went through when they died.

Around 1 in 10 people feel that they are not getting over a death even after a long time. There can be different reasons that can cause this to happen. Factors such as how you got on with the person or how they died have an affect. Also, the kind of person that you are, or what else is going on in your life, can be important.

You will be your own best judge of whether you are getting over a death or not. If you feel that you are struggling to cope even after a long time, then maybe the time is right to get outside help.

Getting outside help

Most people will not need outside help when someone close dies. However, some people feel that they do need extra help.

Talking to someone

A counsellor can help you if things get very hard for you. They can help to work out what the problem is, and help you to find ways of moving on, and of coping and feeling better. This can also help stop other problems in the long term. If you are religious, it can help to talk to someone at your place of worship.

Medicine

Your doctor may offer you medicine to help you through the difficult early stages after a death. Certain pills can make you feel more calm if you are very upset. They may help short term. Some find that these pills make you too numb and spaced out, and that you can't feel things for yourself.

Other kinds of drugs can be more helpful if you get really low.

Bear in mind that it is important that you get the chance to grieve. Medicine may just make you numb.

John's Story

This is the story of John. John was 42 when his wife Donna was killed in a car crash three years ago. This is a true story, and it is written the way John told it.

When Donna died, at first it just wouldn't sink in. I couldn't get my head around it. I just couldn't believe it. Donna, dead! No way could that be true! The police lady came around the house and told me face to face. The first thing I did was laugh at her. It just seemed not real. For the next few days, I felt like I was on another planet. In a right bloody daze. Couldn't think straight. Head all over the shop. It was like I couldn't feel a thing either. No tears or nothing like that. Just pure shocked.

For days I couldn't sit still, really on edge. Totally freaked out. My sleep was shot to bits too. Couldn't eat nothing either. All I did was just pace around the house. The phone rang non stop for days. Folks checking up on me and trying to help. Totally did my head in. I could hardly speak to nobody. When I thought about Donna being dead I could hardly breathe! Nights were the worst. Only thing I could think to do was take a drink. Helped me sleep, but I would feel much worse next day.

It was only after about two weeks, after the funeral, it hit me, all at once. I felt as if someone had knocked the stuffing out of me. I couldn't stop crying. I just felt so bad and so alone.

For a while I felt really angry. Just pure rage! Donna wasn't even driving! The guy that went into them was drunk. The more I thought about what had happened, the more angry I got. All I could think about was that drunken idiot that had driven into the car. If I'd seen that bloke then, I would have wrung his neck.

I also felt bad about myself, and the things I didn't do for Donna. I just felt dead guilty the whole time. Couldn't get arguments we'd had out of my mind. I started to feel low all the time. I was off work for four weeks - signed off by the doc. Couldn't get out of bed. Sleep was shot to bits too. I felt tired and heavy. Donna, Donna, Donna. Couldn't think about anything else. Couldn't get the image of her dead out of my head. Totally mad dreams and waking up in a sweat. A couple of times I would wake up thinking she was in the room, or I'd heard her speak to me. I really felt in a total mess.

At one point I began to think what's the point in all this? I couldn't think about going on without her. Even had wild thoughts about chucking myself in the Clyde, I was that low. I totally shut myself off from friends and family. Felt as if I couldn't face folk. My brother was good though. Kept coming round the house and chatting to me. That helped a bit when I was really down.

I'm not kidding, it took me near enough ten months to start to feel better. It still hurt when I thought about her or what happened, but just not as strong. I began to get things back on track. I didn't feel so run down all the time. I began to go out with my brother and some pals, and even had some good nights out.

When I was out I got chatting to girls a few times. I felt guilty at first, like I shouldn't be doing that, or that folks were looking at me or talking about me. But when I thought about it, Donna wouldn't have wanted me to sit there and feel low all the time, and not get on with my life. She just wasn't that sort of person. That helped me a bit.

It was really hard at Christmas the first time without Donna. I felt empty and alone. My family helped me out. They wouldn't take no for an answer. I went to my aunties for Christmas day, and they were all great. Really supported me at a tough time.

One of the best things I did was go and speak to the doc. He signed me off work until I felt I could cope, and gave me some pills which helped me to sleep. After about 6 months I still didn't feel I was getting much better, so I went back to the doc. He put me in touch with STEPS. They're a local NHS team who can help folk like me. I got some good advice which really helped me to get my head sorted out.

After that things did get better. My brother and auntie were great. I was able to chat to them loads. The gaffer at work was good too. Gave me time off when I needed it

It's now 3 years since Donna died. I still miss her, every day. But I can now think of all the good times we had, and not just about what happened to her. I'm getting on with my life to. I'm seeing someone new now. She knows all about Donna, and has been a good support. If I think about it now, Donna would feel happy for me knowing that I was getting on OK.