What others did to boost their self esteem
I couldn't take a compliment. So I wrote down all the things people have said to me. I wrote down all the good things I had done. All the crap I'd dealt with for years. All the nagging thoughts in my head. I found it dead hard to start with. I asked my boy if he could think of any. He came up with a few. I sat and thought about them for a bit. I asked myself why people would say nice things and not mean them. I figured out they must have. I've still got the notebook. I look at it every wee while, mostly when I'm feeling a bit down.
I get down about how I look. Since having the wee one, I put on a bit. I'd stopped going to the hairdresser, painting my nails, you know. What was the point? So I made an appointment with the hairdresser. I cancelled the first time. I felt worse. I phoned up again. This time I got my husband to drop me off. It made such a difference. I bought some new clothes. My friend and I have started going to an aerobics class on a Monday. Then there was the school. I made myself go five minutes early one day. I've never been so nervous! I forced myself to say hello. One of the mums introduced herself and we got chatting. It went ok. The next day I went 10 minutes early. I thought she wouldn't remember me but she did. I went round hers for a cuppa the other day. We've got that bit in common. I'd never have known that if I hadn't said hello.
I knew I was avoiding doing things. Everything just seemed to be building up. I didn't know where to start. I tried to keep a note of those things that I tended to shy away from. I also wrote down a 'To do' list of everything I still had to do. I started by doing the simple things on the list. I noticed the more effort something took; the more likely I was to not do it. The booklet said to break things down into smaller tasks. I really have to force myself to do some things. I have little phrases I say to myself when I start to doubt myself, like: 'Just do it', and 'You never know'. I'm starting to find that the more I get done, the better I feel.
Well, I stopped going out as much. I sat down with my best friend. We talked about what people talk about in clubs. He said that if I didn't fit in there, the bouncers wouldn't let me in. He told me what he thought about when he was walking down the street - what he had to get at the shops, what he had to get done at home, whether people were looking at the huge spot on his nose. I asked a couple of other people. I thought they would think I was barmy, but they said that other people are too busy worrying about themselves. I reckon I was being a bit sensitive. The next time I was out I checked out other people. They seemed more bothered with themselves. When I started to tense up, I tried to concentrate on what others were saying. It distracted me. I kept telling myself 'I'm ok' and the worry past after a while.
I read up on self esteem. Lots of what was said was true of me. I was never allowed to speak up in the past. My opinion didn't matter. I decided to try something out. Just to see how I got on. I was working and the guy I was with wanted to use another part. He was talking rubbish. It was just the two of us, so I didn't have an audience. I suggested something else. My heart was going mental. I thought he would have freaked. But he said he hadn't heard of it. Asked me what it did. I showed him how you fitted it. He seemed alright. I started there and worked my way up. I don't speak up all the time, mind. But I'm a lot better.
I have never felt good enough. I spend so much time thinking about what other people think and how I come across. I always compare myself to other women. I sat down with my boyfriend. He said that if he didn't want to stay with me, that he would have left by now. I set myself a goal of not looking at my boyfriend's mobile phone for a day, then a week. I was quite worked up for the first few days. At the end of the week, my boyfriend let me look through the numbers. When he went on a big night out, I phoned up my best friend and we went out. She knew what was going on. When I got quiet, or started checking my phone, she pulled me up on it. She made me turn the phone off once! I've started working on the things I like about myself and what I am probably better at than other people. When I start to feel down, I remind myself of all the things that I have done well.
I've always prided myself on my work. I suppose I'm a bit of a perfectionist. It's all or nothing with me. The wife put her foot down after a while. Said I was awful to live with. That we never saw each other. Said I'd have to do something about it. I started by cutting down how much work I did at home. I made an appointment with my boss. I was shitting myself before. I thought he was going to say I needed to pull my socks up. Wrong! He said that generally he was happy with my work and that I was a real asset to the team. I thought he might have noticed a dip in my work since I stopped taking things home. He said that some of the stuff I'd done in the last few weeks was really good though. Mind you, I feel a lot less tired and stressed out. Maybe the two went hand in hand.
