Feeling stressed after having a baby
Here are some common myths about becoming a parent:
- Having a baby will not change your life
- You will fall in love with your baby straight away
- You will know how to be a good parent straight away
- You know what your baby wants every time it cries
- Becoming a mum or dad will be a time to be content and feel joy
- A mum will have plenty of time to herself when baby is asleep
What it is actually like - here are some facts about becoming a parent:
- Being a parent can be great, but it is hard work.
- It is like a job that has long hours with almost no time off. Babies take up most of your time with their needs.
- It is not an easy job. Many will feel that they are bad at it.
- It is a total change in lifestyle for first time parents
- It can take a long time to fall in love with your baby.
- It takes time to learn to know what your baby wants or needs.
- It may be joyful for some people. Others find it less it positive. There is no right or wrong way to feel.
- It is a surprise to many women how well they cope, many women become more confident
- The first smile or response makes all the effort worthwhile
- It's a time many women form lifelong relationships and friendships with other women through mother & toddlers and breastfeeding support groups.
What can happen after you have a baby?
Having a baby is not always the happy event we think it will be. It can be tough going and very hard for some people. Feeling low, stressed, anxious, or very tired are all very common during pregnancy and after the baby is born. A lot of pressure can be placed on new parents from friends and family or you can put pressure on yourself too. Having a demanding baby is a pressure. It can be hard to deal with all of this. Many new parents may not realise what is wrong. Some can feel shame in asking for help. Or feel shame in admitting they do not feel good about being a parent. Some may worry that if they say how bad they feel their baby might be taken away. This doesn't happen. Struggling to cope on your own can add to your problems.
How common is it to feel low or stressed after having a baby?
Most parents feel low and stressed after the birth of a baby. It is very common for women to feel a bit flat and weepy on the third or fourth day after having a baby. This is sometimes called the 'baby blues' and happens to around 80% of mums. This will most often pass on its own after a few days. Some new parents will have bad feelings that don't go away. This is often called 'postnatal depression'. This happens to around one in ten new mums. Dads can have postnatal depression too. Bad feelings can start before or very soon after the baby is born. Sometimes they can build up slowly. Some will still feel bad as long as a year after their baby is born. Mums and dads that feel like this may find it hard to cope. They may not want to spend time with their baby or their family and friends. Feeling like this can have a big impact on families, and on the new baby. This is why it is very important to talk about these problems, and to share information.
Mums
Often mums are expected to know everything about caring for a baby. Sometimes mums put themselves under a lot of pressure to do everything for the baby and their family. Sometimes it seems that all anybody is interested in is the baby. It can be tough getting through the day with very little sleep, very sore parts of your body and the constant demands of a baby and big brothers and sisters.
Dads
Dads can have these sorts of problems too. This is sometimes forgotten. Mums tend to get offered help. Dads are often left to fend for themselves. Dads may not get big hormone or body changes, but they can have all the other problems. Often dads have to juggle demands of work too. Sometimes they have to take more on because of the baby. It is really important that dads look after themselves. Dads have a central role in helping their partner feel better they can spend time providing making sure that both get emotional and practical support.
Common thoughts and feelings after the birth of a baby
Sometimes there is an obvious cause to feeling down or stressed after your baby is born. Sometimes there is not. Parents will have all sorts of different problems. No two people will feel the same.
Here are some of the common things that people will think, feel or do.
| Feeling low: | Some feel low and down most or all of the time. Some have mood swings. You may feel worse in the mornings or at night. These lows can last for many days or even months. For some it can feel like there is no point in going on. |
| Feeling upset: | Some new mums get very weepy and can't stop crying all the time. |
| Feeling angry: | You may feel anger towards your new baby. You may get annoyed with other children. You are most likely to get crabbit with your partner or family. |
| Feeling guilty: | Guilt is common in new parents. You may feel bad that you are not doing the best things for your baby. You may feel that you are letting your baby or family down. It is common to think that you are not a good enough mother or father. You may feel guilt about this. It can be hard to feel low when you have so looked forward to having a baby. You may feel guilty for feeling like this in the first place. |
| Feeling anxious: | You may find that you worry all the time. You may feel afraid to leave your baby. You may worry that your baby may choke or something awful will happen. You may also worry about your own health. You may feel panic. You may fear being left alone. This may make you more needy towards your partner, family or friends. |
| Having no confidence: | You may feel as if your confidence has gone. New mums often think they look fat and ugly and don't feel good about their bodies. You might get very down on yourself like this. You might not go out or see others because of this. |
| Can't concentrate: | You may feel in a bit of a fog. You may be more forgetful. Some find their memory is awful. Some can't concentrate on even little things, and feel quite confused. |
| Not sleeping: | Even when very tired, some find it hard to sleep. Some wake often or very early. This can happen even if someone else feeds the baby. This can make you feel run down during the day. |
| Not hungry: | When you are so busy with your baby it is hard to find the time to eat. You might not feel like it anyway. Not eating can make you feel worse. Some will eat more, or comfort eat. This can make you feel guilty or fat. |
| Not able to enjoy things: | Some lose interest in the things they used to like. Sex is one example of this. There are lots of reasons for not wanting sex after having a baby. Having a baby can take away desire for sex, for women and men. This can cause strain between you and your partner. |
| Not coping with change: | It can be hard to cope with all of the changes that come with a new baby. There are things you won't be able to do. There are things you won't have time to do. You may not like this. You may not want to speak to anybody. You may find you want to drink or smoke more. You may feel that no one understands. You may feel that you need help. |
| Problems at home: | Babies can put pressure on a relationship. Many relationships will break down after a baby arrives. |
Having a baby can make a big change in your life. Don't worry if you don't feel as good as you thought you would. There are things that you can do that are helpful and unhelpful.
Serious mental health problems after giving birth
On rare occasions, some women develop very serious problems after giving birth. The medical term for this is 'puerperal psychosis'. This is a very serious but treatable mental health problem. It happens a few days after birth. The mother may start to think she is seeing or hearing things that are not there. She may become confused. She may develop strange ideas i.e. that her baby is evil. Very rarely, she may feel so bad that she may try to harm herself or her baby. This type of problem is very rare.
This type of a problem is a medical emergency. If you think you or someone you know has these serious problems you should contact a doctor straight away.
What causes people to feel stressed or low after having a baby?
There is no single cause of this problem. We cannot be sure who will or who won't suffer. A number of things may add up to cause them. Here are some examples:
- Changes in your body - levels of hormones change after giving birth - feeling low and stressed may have something to do with this.
- If you or someone in your family has had mental health problems before
- If you do not have good support from family or your partner
- If your baby arrives very early, very late, or is ill
- If you have a very difficult labour or delivery
- If you lost your own mother when you were a child
- If you have other stresses going on in your life
You can still have problems when none of these things have happened.
