STEPS

I'm just going through the motions. I feel numb and dead inside. I feel so slowed down a lot of the time. I find myself dwelling on the past - all the things that have went wrong. I'm always saying to myself - "If only this... and if only that..."

I can't face the day. Even if I know I have a lot to do, I lie in bed as long as I can. I feel safe there. I know I should be cleaning the house or seeing my mum or just facing the world. I am hiding away. I avoid seeing friends, I'm doing nothing with my life so I've got nothing to say to them. I don't see why I should make them miserable as well. I go to bed praying I'll be better in the morning but I never am

I can say the worst things to those I love. I often rip my partner to shreds in the morning. I go to work, feel so much guilt and promise never to treat him like that again. Then I get home and I just do it again. I hate myself. One of these days, he'll leave. I could not blame him

I used to be the joker at work but now I just want to be left on my own. I've lost a lot of friends through this. When I feel bad, I just don't care about anyone else. I goad others till they react. In fact, I can be a right nasty wee bitch

Things from the past haunt me - times when I had let others down, times when I screwed up. These prove to me what a bad person I am and why no one would like me. But we have all did these things. They should not be a big deal but they seem so important at the time.

I get so annoyed by other people saying I should just snap out of it - we all get a fit of the blues - and so on. Depression is not a fit of the blues. It is awful, really awful. I would not wish it on my worst enemy

The worst thing is the total despair and blackness that takes over. I never thought I could reach a point when I wanted to be dead and that has shocked me to the core

Looking back, I think I have been depressed for three years. I can't see why I am depressed. I suppose I knew there was something the matter with me but I never thought it was this. In some ways, it was a relief when my doctor told me what it was

The thing I would say is how much it hit my body. I thought depression was just to do with my mind - I would feel sad and so on. But the impact on my body was so intense. I really felt so ill with it. I didn't eat. I felt so sore with it. It was like a ton weight on me all day

Nothing comes easy now. I have to push myself through each day and I only settle when I get into bed at night as I feel I have survived another day. Each day is the same as the last one - grey and dull. It is such an effort getting through the day. I don't have the energy to put away the messages, don't have the energy to take the kids down to the swing park. I don't want to have sex. The family would be better off without me

I find that I can get low quite easily. It seems to come on me for no reason. I don't look after myself, don't wash, change my clothes, don't eat. You could stir my living room. I stay away from the family. I feel bushed all the time. If I get really low, I feel that life is too hard and feel I would be better off dead

I just feel so empty inside. I feel worthless. I try to please everyone. I want them to like me but I always feel in the way. I just feel so trapped by this. I don't see a future for myself. It all seems so bleak

I feel so bad about myself. My self-esteem and self-confidence are down the tube. I know I have 101 things to do but nothing ever gets done these days. I feel I am letting them all down. I can't give myself credit for anything these days

I can't get excited about anything. I live more and more in my own wee world. I'm not sure if I am just lazy but I have no energy or interest in the world

It is like being in a prison. There are people who try to reach out to you but you just can't connect with them. You feel so cut-off from the world